Joy #6 - Good Friends

I've been thinking a lot lately about how important good friends have been and are in my life. I think it's so easy to overlook the influence of peers on our every single decision. I have been so blessed to have had good friends in my life. I can look at the times in my life when I haven't been as happy/obedient/fulfilled and can see the lack of good friends at these times. (Isn't retrospect great?) From my childhood, the stream of good friends has taken me to the place I am now, and I am so grateful.

My friends in my childhood came and went, except for my siblings and cousins. We are too much at the mercy of our parents schedules, etc. to really call our childhood friends our own choices, I think. That doesn't negate their value in helping us be better people, of course. In my life, though, I cannot remember a childhood friend that was as influential as my brother and sisters. Although we had our tough times (I remember more than one physical altercation with Mick - cornflakes flying through the family room like buckshot. Luckily the bowl missed his head!), we have managed to end up some of the best friends each other has. Family visits back and forth are some of the greatest highlights of each year. And I love the friends (cousins) that my children are making through these familial relationships.

It was getting into high school when I really started making choices in friends that were my own and reflected my personality rather than my parents' convenience. Luckily, my best friend in high school lived across the street from me. That make it much easier to keep the friendship strong. I don't think I can ever thank Barbara enough for the fabulous influence she was on my life. We don't realize at the time how vital those adolescent choices are. She was involved with and concerned about me as a person, she valued and encouraged intelligence, and she strove to be her best and to improve herself constantly. She was a great example and I couldn't help but be uplifted by her. Other friends came through my friendship with her, through my Seminary Council experience, and through drama (Palace Playhouse - oh, the memories). That group of high school friends helped bring me further in my quest for integrity in my life than I could have ever done myself. I only hope I was a reciprocally good for all those dear friends. Sometimes, though, I think good things were given to me even though I was never really worthy of them. I will thank God eternally for that generosity.

As an adult, friends have come and gone, some dearer than others, but all so important to me and so helpful to me on my journey. College roommates were wonderful, and I struggle to this day to keep those friendships alive. Friends in wards I have lived in, friends at school, teachers and employers that became friends, visiting teachers that loved me even when they really didn't know me, I was so blessed in my life. Family, too, have been a great help. I remember my cousin Michelle picking me up at the airport in New York, taking me out to dinner, and helping me find my dorm at the Juilliard school. That gave me so much comfort on my first night in the big city. Michelle and I were never particularly close, but she was there when I had a need. If that's not friendship, I don't know what is.

13 years ago I met a man I decided to make my best friend for the rest of my life. This was probably the most impactful friendship decision I have ever or will ever make. And I have never regretted my decision. I think I'm past the point now that I ever will, because even if my marriage were to fall apart, my life has been so changed by that decision in so many powerful ways I would not change things. I will do everything I can to keep this friendship strong. He is the one I can lean on when I need, the one who gives me strength every demanding day. Knowing I can depend on him makes my life more than just survival, but joyful. And because of my association with him, I have 5 more relationships that right now balance between friendship and something else (not quite mentor, not quite employer, not quite slave-driver - but somewhere in between). I hope in the long run to become best of friends with my children, a relationship I value with my own parents.
I have friends in my life now who help me be so much a better person. I don't think they all realize what an influence they have on me. I hang with a group of moms that runs a bit younger than myself (that's what I get for not having kids til I was 28), and I love their energy, their determination, and their support. I like the feeling that I contribute to their lives by being older and wiser (pragmatic is probably more accurate). But most of all I love that they remind me to keep dreaming, to keep doing things I love, to keep developing talents and serving others. These things are so easy to forget in the everyday hassle of raising a big family. Sometimes I lose myself in the shuffle, and my friendships help me find myself again. They show me how to keep finding the joy in life. I love that, and I am grateful.

My friendship with Christ (and through him, God) is so sacred to me I almost hesitate to mention it here. At first I thought that the nature of that relationship was fundamentally different that those I have heretofore mentioned, but as I considered things I changed my mind. Christ is a friend like all those I have discussed, and for many of the same reasons. My life is enriched so much by his love for me, by his example to me, and by his encouragement of me. I know I can depend on him when I am in need. He grounds me, reminds me of what is important, helps me find the true joy in living. And like so many relationships that I have had before, I know that I come away in his debt. So I do what I can to repay him by following him, by loving all those he loves, and by striving to be someone he wants to see again. And he helps and supports me as I do. What a beautiful cycle. What a beautiful life I have. I rejoice in all my friendships.

Holiday Madness

I know some people feel that perhaps my husband and I are a bit too restrained in our approach to holiday celebrations. I don't know if I've ever explained my reasons very fully, even to myself. I've spent some time thinking about why we do the things we do in our family, and I feel that I can perhaps express them so that those around us can understand what our feelings are. (I have to be careful here: these opinion are mine, and although I think Russell agrees with them, we haven't actually written this entry together, so I might not speak directly for him.)

I love holidays. I love the anticipation, the build-up, the preparation. I love the actuality of the day, when hopes and expectations are realized in fun activities and emotion-filled events. (If you know Russ, you'll recognize the preceding as the part he and I might disagree on!) I even love the peaceful quiet and rest that follows the flurry of activity. And I truly love the reasons for our culture's holidays; giving thanks to God for our blessings, the glorious birth of Christ, the beginning of a new year, the blessed resurrection of our Savior, the celebration of our country's independence, and so on. We are truly one of the most favored generations of mankind, blessed both in the time in which we live, and the place as well, and I am so grateful for these blessings. I love holidays!!

That being said...there are some things about our holiday celebrations that I hate. I feel the way we as a society celebrate the holidays has degenerated to the point where I honestly think it is detrimental to our children. I think holidays should be about three things: Remembering the reason for the holiday; sharing our joy in those reasons with those around us; and moving those feelings of joy and gratitude into service and charity. Our society has adopted ways of celebrating that seem to defeat those three main reasons for celebrating. I think that not only do our methods of celebration not teach my children to be Christ-like, they actually teach my children not to be Christ-like. (Read it again if you have to, there's a distinct difference between the former and the latter.) This extends even to birthday celebrations as we do them these days.

Our society has taught us that giving stuff to people is the best way to show them that we love them, especially our children. The more love we have, the more gifts we should give, right? While a gift can be truly meaningful and expressive, too much tips the balance from allowing kids to have joy in what they have been given to being self-interested and spoiled. One of my favorite authors, Amy Dacyczyn has expressed it well in an essay:

The Christmas morning fulfillment drama opens with a scene of the Smuckster family gathered around an enormous stack of gifts. Clyde and Bunny anxiously anticipate the reaction of their son, Hubert.
ACT I. Hubert opens two presents - a Sno-Boggan and the King's Mountain Fortress Lego set. He is ecstatic and want to play with the Legos, but Clyde insists he must open all his presents first.
ACT II. Hubert continues opening presents and receives a Creepy Cruiser Car, Beetle Juice Neighborhood Nasty figures and a Mario Brothers pinball game. His eyes are as big as saucers as he exclaims, "Cool! What else is for me?"
ACT III. More tearing and flinging of paper reveals a Hasbro WWF Wrestling Ring, the Jetsons video tape and a Nasta Air Guitar. Hubert's inner monster begins to show itself as he disdainfully points and says, "I didn't even want that wrestling thing."
ACT IV. Hubert opens Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles figures, a Nintendo Gameboy and a Big Bubba radio controlled truck. "Not this one. I told you I wanted the Black Thunder truck."
Bunny consoles him, "Don't worry, sweetie, we'll just take this one back and get you the one you want." Hubert sulks, pokes through the empty wrappings and says, "Is that all I got?"
The peak of the fulfillment curve is different for every family. The drama may play out more subtly in your family. Sometimes the only indicator is a lessening of enthusiasm... The Smucksters' Christmas would have been perfect had it been a one act play....When children have become accustomed to a large volume of material goods, more presents are required to satisfy them. (The Complete Tightwad Gazette, pg 80.)

Amy Dacyczyn expresses this idea of a "fulfillment curve" for material goods in terms of economics and how to get the ultimate bang for your buck, but I think the same idea can be applied on a spiritual level. When our desires are over-indulged, we turn our focus from the occasion to the self, and our capacity for true joy and for charity drops dramatically. It's so easy to give our children so much stuff (multitudes of presents at Christmas/birthday, or basketful's of candy at Halloween/Easter) and attention (yes there is such a thing as too much attention, of a type) that they begin to think only of themselves and what else they are going to get. When their focus is turned inward in this way, they easily miss all three purposes for holidays: the "reason for the season" is seen to be "to get stuff"; they are so focused on what they are getting that they don't appreciate others' joy or share an emotional connection with them; and they certainly don't move beyond that emotional high of receiving to look towards giving.

I would love to see our community return to a more traditional celebration of all holidays, with far less emphasis on the gift-giving and the goodies, and far more on the event itself, the sharing of company with our fellow man, and how our great blessings should move us to share our bounty (of both material goods and of love) with those who are in need. This is why Russ and I have some of the traditions we do. We give the kids each one gift at Christmas (yep, only one, and if it's a group gift, they technically only get 1/5 of a gift) as well as a stocking full of small presents. Birthdays involve inviting Grandma to cake and ice cream, a gift on the morning of, as well as choosing favorite meals throughout the day (I'm starting to think this may be too much, as more than one of my children has told me they should not have to do any work on their birthday because they should get what they want on their birthday. Adjustments may be made.) We do not go trick-or-treating, but instead have a pizza/movie party. Our Easter celebration involves no candy, baskets, or baby bunnies, but rather a nice family meal and a lesson on the atonement. I encourage our family to hold/attend family get-togethers, ward parties, and activities that help celebrate without too much emphasis on presents and treats. I hope people understand that we are not trying to deprive our children of fun or pleasure, but rather keep things within bounds that allow them to enjoy the holidays to their fullest. We believe we are helping them learn lessons that will result in more joy in their lives, not less. I certainly make no claims to perfection. Even now, as I list these traditions, I can see that my family needs to find better ways to achieve the third reason for holidays, to help our positive emotions extend into service and charity.

I hope no one sees this post as a criticism. We each are responsible for making the right choices for our families, and those choices often differ vastly from one another. Those differences shouldn't necessarily be seen as right or wrong, but perhaps simply as the beautiful diversity among God's children. I would love it, however, if this post prompts people to thoughtfully consider the traditions they are establishing around the holidays and find ways to ensure their holidays are truly joyful and their families are growing closer to Christ.

I ran so far...

Today was the Halloween 5k Fun Run fundraiser for the kids' school. I competed, in costume as you can see, and won my age division (Old Ladies with Lots of Kids). There were actually only 2 contestants in my division, and the other lady (who is a serious athlete) stayed with her little girl as she ran, so I really was a shoe-in. But I WON!! And I get a free pie of my choice from Lin's. Can't beat that with a stick, although it seems a funny prize for a contest of fitness skills. JR ran the sprint and won his age division also, but they didn't give awards to the sprinters. We both got prizes for our costumes, and a great time was had by all.

Halloween 2009

It's the time of year again where Russ and I are cruel to our children and deny them their basic rights to both begging and candy. We (Russ probably more than I) do not care for the tradition of going door-to-door and asking for something which will be detrimental to our children's health. Halloween traditions cannot even be traced back to uplifting beginnings. We feel that we can select what is fun and good about Halloween, and leave the rest alone. The kids love to dress up for school costume parade. This year we had a cheerleader, Violet from the Incredibles, Cinderella, and a young Anakin Skywalker (before he turned, of course. Usually I try to steer kids towards persona's that are positive, but I goofed up and bought dark brown costume pieces for JR, hence Anakin instead of Obi Wan. And of course JR knows the difference, even if I don't, so there was no fooling him. Anakin it was.)



We also have a party every year, and we stay dressed up in our fun costumes, then eat our fill of pizza and goodies like apples, yogurt-pretzels, and homemade cinnamon rolls while we watch a movie together. The past two years we have partied with our friends, the Heatons, who have a similar attitude towards the holiday. This year, due to conflicting plans for the Heatons, our family is solo. This works out for the best, because tomorrow evening is the start of fast day and not a good night for a party. So we are having our Halloween party tonight, Friday. Russ decided the kids are old enough to see Gremlins. He is being brave (crazy?), considering Megan's reaction to this movie, but I trust his judgement. Also, I think they will be fine with it. We'll see tonight after everyone goes to bed. Fingers crossed, no nightmares.

PS - Aubrey dressed up as well, but got away to school before I could get a photo of her. Hopefully we'll be able to post her get-up on her blog later.

PPS - Yes, there is a snaggletooth among our brood again. Katie lost her front tooth last night. It's just so darn cute!!

Good Food...

I love food. Being the pragmatic person that I am my taste runs to good, homemade culinary basics rather than gourmet cooking. This being the case, I rarely make a big deal out of meals I cook. Last night I threw together a soup that was so good, I impressed myself. It was a sausage-vegetable soup, made with country sausage and some chicken stock, fresh garden tomatoes, celery and carrots and zucchini (from Bountiful Baskets) and pasta shells to fill it out. It smelled wonderful, and it looked so pretty that I took a picture of it. My husband laughed at me, but I was just so pleased with the results of my efforts. It was a good homemaking day.

Joy #5 - The Temple

I went to the temple a few days ago, for the first time in several months (I know...slacker!!) Russell had some initiatories to do for the ward, and because the women's initiatory was behind schedule I did some sealings. I found myself in a small group that included an elderly man, Bro. Sherratt. Of course, I asked him about his family. Turns out he was Grandpa Lowell's nephew. (Yes, I am my mother's daughter!!) Russell teased me about holding some strange man's hand but I told him no, it was family. Anyway, for the past several days I have found myself thinking about what I enjoy most about the temple. I know there are eternal truths available at the temple, that truth and beauty fill that sacred place. I know that work is done there that cannot be done anywhere else on earth. And I know that temple ordinances are our only path back to God. I love and appreciate all these things. The thing that struck me most at the temple this time was how joyful a place it is. (I'm sure it is because of all the things I mentioned above, and more.) I love to go to the temple and feel the joy that fills the building. People there are so happy to be there. They smile, often when they aren't even looking at anyone. They are full of joy to be doing what they are doing. They are engaged in God's work, in the Lord's work. This is what fills them with happiness, with joy. How could anyone ask for more than to be doing what Christ would have them do? I love that feeling, and want to have it with me all the time. I think if I were to constantly have the spirit with me, if I were to constantly be making the right choices, if I were to have charity in my heart always, I would always have that joy, even in the face of sorrow. (I think sorrow and joy can exist at the same time.) I am not perfect, however, and am not always doing what Christ would have me do. My life is filled with other emotions, less Christ-like emotions. Anger, frustration, and fear live in my daily life, fighting with joy and love for my devotion. So I go to the temple, to remind myself of what it feels like to be truly on the Lord's errand. And I love what I feel there. What a blessing the temple is in my life, and I am grateful for the beacon it is, the reminder of the person I want to be.

Joy #4 Katie-bug

This past week we celebrated Katherine's 6th birthday, and I have had time to reflect on how glad I am to have her. Anyone who knows Katie knows how full of life she is. I think the word exuberant was coined just for my daughter. She is larger than life, or should I say...louder than life. She doesn't do anything at a normal level, starting with her speech. Katie has a naturally loud voice. With no effort whatsoever, her little voice booms out through the house. And if she is excited, you'd better cover your ears!! This over the top attitude extends to everything she does. Her walk is really a skip, her smile is wider than you can imagine, her eyes positively sparkle, and she hugs tight enough to squeeze the breath out of you. She makes me glad to be alive. She is a great example of seizing life, with all it's joys and opportunities, and squeezing out every last drop you can. If I try to imagine my life without Katie in it, it brings tears to my eyes. I love each of my children very much, and unless you are a parent you might think each child brings more of the same. Like the same beautiful blessing, just multiplied. It's not true, though. Each child brings a unique set of characteristics and traits, like different colors in a tapestry. If we were missing one, our lives would not just be less blessed, but less colorful. I think Katie is like the red in our family tapestry, vibrant and full of life, warming us all with her love and happiness. She literally brings joy into every day of my life. I love you, Katie!!

Prayer for my girls

I found this poem on the Segullah website and loved it. I hope for exactly this for my girls (and my boy, although his pressures will be different.) The body given us is such a wonderful gift, such a complex, beautiful symphony of miracles. Any study of anatomy, biology, chemistry only increases the wonder. How grateful I am for this amazing gift. I hope I can teach my children how blessed they are and what a great responsibility we have to care for our mortal temples. Finally, at 40, I am beginning to give the time and energy and attention I ought to what may well be my greatest gift from my Heavenly Father.

Body Image

by Melissa Young

Almost naked,

she stands before the full-length mirror,

loving her reflection.

Three years old, still baby soft.

“Look, Mom,” she says,

bending backward,

her round belly protruding.

“I’m so big!”

Yes, you are, I say,

and ache,

knowing the day will come

when her view of what is

beautiful

will change,

and she will no longer see it

in herself.

How I wish I could capture

the adoration I see now—

pour it over her head

when the mirror seems to only speak

her flaws,

let it run warm over her senses,

infuse her with

the joy of living,

an awe of mortal flesh,

the miracle of touch and breath,

heat and thorns,

That she could always be

as a little child,

and never wish for

wasting over health,

flatness over curves,

bones over flesh,

That she might be as she is now

with her belly out, smiling,

delighting in fatness.

Joy #3 - Goodly parents

Mom and Dad were here last weekend (with their new trailer - how fun!!) and we had a very pleasant time visiting and sightseeing with them. As I looked back on the weekend I could see so many incidents that just showed me how much of a positive influence my parents still are on my life. We walked on Friday morning after dropping off the children at school and had a great conversation about civil and religious freedoms, the rule of law, and the proper role (if any) war has in any society. The conversation was interesting and challenging, but best of all, it was spiritually uplifting. Examples from the Book of Mormon and other scriptures came into play, and I was just so impressed that my parents and I can have such great discussions. Dad shared some ideas he had heard in church talks, and we ended up at home with my mind a bit more enlightened and my thinking elevated. I was also impressed that we sat down to watch conference together, and they got up and studied scriptures with us on the days we got up (at 5:30am.) What a great example to my children this was, to see that Grandma and Grandpa value the things that we value. I am so grateful that they have been this type of example to me my whole life. I didn't realize until I was an adult what a challenging background my dad had to overcome. He came from an abusive, alcoholic, poverty-stricken home and although I know his parents loved him very much, family circumstances made growing up quite a challenge. Many people don't come out of an upbringing like this very well. His siblings all still exhibit varying degrees of serious lifestyle issues. And yet my dad married my mom in the temple, raised us 6 kids and has remained active in the church, currently serving as bishop. He has been a great dad and I love him so much. I'm sure the strong positive influence of my mother has been the single greatest factor in keeping him close to the straight and narrow. She is a strong-willed, intelligent, educated woman. Her example has helped me become the kind of woman I am today, and I like who I am. Both of my parents had parents who divorced, and yet they have managed to create a strong, enduring marriage that I aspire to emulate in my life. Were my parents perfect? No, of course not. But likewise, I am not perfect, and yet I strive to do better each day because that's what I saw them do. And if I can have an end result (of course things are far from over) like they seem to have, i.e. happy children with healthy families of their own, active in the gospel and contributing to society in a positive way, interacting as friends and supporters of each other, then I will be satisfied that I have followed their example and benefited from their struggles and accumulated wisdom.

Quote

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself."
--- Leo Tolstoy

Joy #2 - Marriage

I guess I may have trouble keeping up on this blog just as much as I have trouble journaling. But I'll just try to keep picking up even after I leave off for way too long.
This week is my 13th wedding anniversary. I am so glad not just for Russell (who is another joy altogether) but for the whole blessing of marriage. What a great opportunity. I love being married. I really enjoyed being single, and there were many things I could do then that I cannot do now. There is some serious weight to having to "check," if you will, my decisions and actions with someone else. But, what a great freedom a marriage relationship can give you. That seems counter-intuitive, but it is true. Although I now have to consider another (actually 6 others, if you include the kids) in everything I do, I can do so many more things. I have someone to share the burdens of life. I have a partner to share the responsibility. I have a friend who has covenanted not to leave me. I can be myself without fear of being alone, or of offending. I can have the family I always wanted. Can you imagine trying to raise my brood by myself? There would be much more drudgery and much less joy. I can be the homemaker the Lord wants me to be. Having a marriage partner not only gives me security (financial, physical, and emotional), it also encourages me to stretch my wings, to be a better person. I am challenged by having a partner. A good analogy is having an exercise partner. When we exercise with a partner we are more likely to show up, fulfill our commitment (2 full miles or whatever), and to push harder than we do when we are alone. We are less likely to quit when we get tired. We are not only striving for ourselves, but to please/impress/not let down another person. Marriage is like that, only on a much greater scale. Life is our challenge, and having a partner helps me get up in the morning, fulfill my commitment (live the gospel, raise righteous children, or whatever), try a little harder to be better each day. It's esier to not quit when things are tough because we can spell each other. We can each work from our strengths and learn from each others' strengths. And there is positive pressure to please/impress/not let down our partner. Eternally speaking, partnership is inspired. How much better to share the journey and the reward with another, with a best friend. I know marriage is not always this way. It's so important to pick the right person, someone with whom you can have this great relationship. Don't settle, or marriage turns from this great uplifting partnership to a dragging weight keeping you away from the gates of heaven. I am truly blessed. I have great joy in marriage.

We Love to Visit Family!!

We had a great time in northern Utah last month when we went to see Grandma Joan and Uncle Norm and Aunt Laura. The trip was an early Christmas present from Grandma and Grandpa Tomany. We were able to spend time at Blacksmith Fork canyon swimming in the river and swinging on the rope swing. The little girls' call it "the grand canyon" because they think it's so grand!! Abby and Cade swung and swam with us, and a great time was had by all.

We stayed at Mick and Kathryn's, which was different for us, usually we are at Mom and Dad's, but they were full already. The kids really enjoyed being at the cousin's, and they were the most gracious hosts. We never felt out of place. Sarah especially seemed to love being at Breelyn's house. She loves her cousins. Sarah and Amber and Breelyn are like the three musketeers when they are together. They play well, and Sarah still calls them her best friends, even if we see them only a few times a year.



Our last day there we went to the Eccles Dinosaur Park and the kids enjoyed the exhibits and the walk through the "prehistoric forest."


On the way home, we drove fairly close to the Mill Flat fire (I think) near Scipio. The amount of smoke was tremendous, and a couple of times we could actually see the flames. We snapped some photos, but they don't really do justice to the awe of seeing all that smoke and fire.


We arrived home safe and enjoyed our weekend trip. Thanks Grandma and Grandpa!! What a great Christmas present!

Quote

"Let no man turn aside, ever so slightly, from the broad path of honour, on the plausible pretence that he is justified by the goodness of his end. All good ends can be worked out by good means." --English novelist Charles Dickens (italics added.)

Quote

"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." Martin Luther King

FHE Funny

We were working on article of faith for FHE tonight. Sarah created a new one for us. 4th article of faith now says, "...third, baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, playing of the bands for the gift of the Holy Ghost." Wouldn't baptisms be so much more fun??

Zion

Last weekend was the final "fee free" weekend for the National Parks this year. On Sunday afternoon we drove up to the Kolob Fingers area of Zion National park and took a short hike. It was beautiful! At the lookout there was a cluster of little path markers (you know, those piles of rocks you see to mark the path) that was neat. JR and Elizabeth each built one to add to the group. It was kind of like impromptu, interactive art. We had a great time!

A Year of Joy

I've seen others do an exercise in journaling called 52 weeks of gratitude. It seems like a nice way to encourage the flow of ideas for journals (or blogs), and creates such a great opportunity for enumerating and appreciating blessings. After several months consideration, I've decided I would like to do the same on my blog, but with a little change. My patriarchal blessing speaks to me frequently of joy, and the joy that I can have in my life. I have found it to be accurate. My life is filled with joy. I want to take time to list my joys singly, at least some of them. So here is my first week:

I find great joy in Sarah. I am so grateful for her in my life. We call her our little joybird because she makes our whole family happy. She is sweet and cheerful to be around. She has the cutest little high pitched voice that makes us all smile just to hear her speak. She teaches our family how to be loving to one another by her example. And what a fun personality! She is full of life, eager to help and to participate. We love Sarah!!

Note the new haircut in the last photo. She got the scissors in my bathroom and cut both sides of her hair almost to the scalp. This cut is a long as we could keep it and have it look even a little normal. It's so fun having a 3 year old!