Stunning.

It's a little stunning to find myself here. I am 4 weeks post-diagnosis in my battle against breast cancer. What's stunning? Everything.

It's stunning that I could be feeling just FINE and yet be dying on the inside.

It's stunning that these little clusters of cells pose such a grave danger to my life.

It's stunning that I have had cherished parts of my body removed and discarded, and pieces of plastic and rubber inserted (mastectomy, tissue expander, iv port, etc).  I feel a little like the bionic woman.

It's stunning that the next step involves pumping caustic and poisonous chemicals into my bloodstream. I mean, really? We don't have anything better?

It's stunning that I am so matter of fact about everything. I'm neither frantic nor depressed, manic nor immobilized. I'm just...pragmatic. Still stunned, I suppose.

It's stunning and absolutely beautiful to me how many people are concerned, actively helping, praying for, supporting and loving me.

It's stunning the depth of emotion I feel for my husband and my children just now. I can't imagine I actually love them any more than I did 2 months ago, because I did. Dearly. I think that maybe I can see and feel the value, the preciousness of that love much more than I did before. They are so beautiful, so stunningly gorgeous.

The next 16 weeks of chemotherapy will almost certainly be the most difficult thing I have ever done, and may well be the most difficult thing I will ever do. Was this illness in my body a part of some greater plan? I don't know. I have a hard time with that idea, that the detail of human suffering is planned out in advance. But I do believe that as individuals we have the opportunity to meet our challenges in such a way as to improve our souls and the souls of those around us. I hope those around me are somehow lifted by their association with me, even as I rely upon their love and service.  I hope I can be better off for having gone through this difficult time. The alternative would be to go through this life-altering, challenging struggle and be diminished for it. That would be stunningly sad.