It's a little stunning to find myself here. I am 4 weeks post-diagnosis in my battle against breast cancer. What's stunning? Everything.
It's stunning that I could be feeling just FINE and yet be dying on the inside.
It's stunning that these little clusters of cells pose such a grave danger to my life.
It's stunning that I have had cherished parts of my body removed and discarded, and pieces of plastic and rubber inserted (mastectomy, tissue expander, iv port, etc). I feel a little like the bionic woman.
It's stunning that the next step involves pumping caustic and poisonous chemicals into my bloodstream. I mean, really? We don't have anything better?
It's stunning that I am so matter of fact about everything. I'm neither frantic nor depressed, manic nor immobilized. I'm just...pragmatic. Still stunned, I suppose.
It's stunning and absolutely beautiful to me how many people are concerned, actively helping, praying for, supporting and loving me.
It's stunning the depth of emotion I feel for my husband and my children just now. I can't imagine I actually love them any more than I did 2 months ago, because I did. Dearly. I think that maybe I can see and feel the value, the preciousness of that love much more than I did before. They are so beautiful, so stunningly gorgeous.
The next 16 weeks of chemotherapy will almost certainly be the most difficult thing I have ever done, and may well be the most difficult thing I will ever do. Was this illness in my body a part of some greater plan? I don't know. I have a hard time with that idea, that the detail of human suffering is planned out in advance. But I do believe that as individuals we have the opportunity to meet our challenges in such a way as to improve our souls and the souls of those around us. I hope those around me are somehow lifted by their association with me, even as I rely upon their love and service. I hope I can be better off for having gone through this difficult time. The alternative would be to go through this life-altering, challenging struggle and be diminished for it. That would be stunningly sad.
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Beautiful post. I have been inspired much by your attitude so far, and I think stunning is the perfect adjective. I still feel a little shocky about it sometimes. I also feel very hopeful about afterward. Just sorry you have to endure the flood.
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely stunning in every aspect of this challenge, Jen. You have inspired me a great deal and I continue to learn from you. These kinds of struggles-you know when you're just minding your own business and then WAM! your whole life is turned upside down-are very hard and painful, but I love the perspective gained from viewing things while you're upside down. Keep fighting and keep the faith! We continue to pray and fast for you to feel good through chemo and not have any recurrences in the future. Much love!
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